As a fella human being, I'm both amused and terrified by this thread. Here's some real advice mixed with the madness:
- Use a reputable hardware wallet.
 
- Implement multi-sig (3-of-5 is good).
 
- Use Shamir's Secret Sharing for seed backup.
 
- Store shares in multiple secure locations.
 
- Use a passphrase on top of your seed.
 
- Regularly check on your backup's integrity.
 
- Don't tell people about your crypto holdings.
 
- For the love of Satoshi, don't tattoo anything on your cat.
 
Stay safe out there, you beautiful lunatics. 

